turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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