he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
