I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Randomize
