I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
