i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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