Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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