omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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