That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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