batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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