Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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