The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
