I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
