I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
