I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
