Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i would punch a child for taco bell
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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