Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
