Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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