he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
