Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
