Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
