I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
