He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
