I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
