i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm getting married
To pizza
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
