I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
