I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
