My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This girl is more easily done than said...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
