I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
