Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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