My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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