I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
