she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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