if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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