she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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