Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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