If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
