Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
