My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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