I wish my penis had an off switch
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
