I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
