my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Vodka?
Forever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
