It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
