I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
