i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
