I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
