So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
