i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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