I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
