i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
