Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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